I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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