Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Randomize
