So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Buhtt sex?
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
