Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
