i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
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