I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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