laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I want a musical about memes.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
