I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
