Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
