You don't have asthma, your pregnant
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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