I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
