There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Randomize
