That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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