my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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