You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
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