I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
