She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
