im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
