I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
