i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
