dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
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I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
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probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
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