The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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