I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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