You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
