You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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