party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
