Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
