why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
