my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
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