90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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