Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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