Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
