you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
