Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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