Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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