my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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