Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Pants 0. Shit 1.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
