i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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