the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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