I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Two words: nipple clamps
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