The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
