you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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