it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
