i already hear my dad disowning me
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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