Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
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you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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