he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
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Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
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i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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