you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
