you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
