you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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