do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
