I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
