A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
