someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
