I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
