was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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