Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
