you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
