Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
