I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
i will never coherently bang her
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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